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I Think It’s Finally Time To Safely Listen to Jonathan Coulton’s Still Alive From Portal

I know, I know. We are all aware of how this played out. First Valve drops Portal as almost an afterthought, 4 solid hours of gameplay and puzzle solving and the world is enamored. Suddenly cake jokes and portal gun jokes flood the internet, some as references some as original. Then the products came, and eventually the sequel with even more jokes and references about potatoes and lemons (guys I think the people at Valve need to eat), and so we arrive at today.

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How About You Leave Your Stupid Comments in Your Pockets?

Hey folks, yeah I know it’s Friday for this Tuesday column, but I’m switching the days around because I can, and so that you can read some quality shitposts at work on Friday when you take a long afternoon shit to close out the week – keep up I move fast. I had actually written an article about something that annoyed me in the ‘News’ but about halfway through I realized that unlike my other award-winning articles I really wasn’t providing a new perspective or offering a meaningful discussion – even through my usual crooked lens.

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From the land of the hipsters…it’s WWE Summerscam


What is usually billed as “The Biggest Party of the Summer” has become a party that if I got invited to it on Facebook I’d rsvp as a maybe to, just to not offend the person who invited me. Hear me out, Summerslam has a lot of hype and advertisement. I am not speaking poorly about it this year because I couldn’t get tickets. I’m honestly and truthfully saying that the card is fairly weak and is not a pay-per-view event that I would spend my rent money on to get tickets. A word of advice, don’t spend your rent money on wrestling tickets. The ending is never good. Read more

I Hope We Get Russian Bad Guys In Movies Again

So when you start noticing things like the fact that Russia kind of doesn’t have elected leaders, they’ve taken over two countries on our lifetime, and recent relations with Ukraine have been changing – the cold war is kind of heating up. (Admittedly it’s because Russia wants it as it made them feel good about themselves, whereas we don’t care anymore.)

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I’m Glad Harambe Died

So a little while back there was an incident at the Cincinnati Zoo and Botanical Garden where a small boy climbed into the gorilla area. Since the gorilla proceeded to then drag the kid a bit the zoo keeper feared for the boy’s life, and shot the gorilla. This lead to a mass of sadness, claims of bad parenting (because I’m sure if we gave you a 3 year old in a zoo you’d be so perfect), and oddly a bunch of memes – because lolol internet. Now much like other stories this was sort of ignored shortly, but because of the way memes work – and the inherent racism of the internet the story persists.

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WWE Battleground…Because, I keep getting booted off the Pokemon GO Server.

I This Sunday will mark the third time in less than two years where WWE will proclaim that a new era will emerge. Gone is the Reality Era where the only reality was that Triple H spent more time on television than the stars he was burying. Excuse me, I meant pushing. About a month ago, WWE declared it was a new era once again. This is change we wrestling fans have longed for, and whether this is yet another new era or not, the brand extension happened, which I totally called! Read more

Buffalo Lounge Reviews: Snack Bars from Amazon

Much like the critically-acclaimed Jerky reviews, I have dived once again into random Amazon snack boxes – this time with energy bars. I figured I could review all of them at once because it’d give me so much energy I could fight a salty character named Ted who needs to learn to PARK IN A STRAIGHT LINE TED. Sadly however the experience left me feeling disgusted and lethargic.

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