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Advanced Game Theory 101: Half-Life 3 Has no planned Release Date, because it’s already released

So I’ve noticed there’s no posts on Sunday, and I figured – well we’re Nerdfit. We can at least be better than the United States Postal Service right? So I then endeavored to fill this void and bring Nerdfit’s ranking just a bit higher. I tried to use my old wheelhouse in writing Anime. 2 Weeks Later after waking up from a drunken stupor I realized it wasn’t possible to talk more about anime without succumbing to the darkness. So then what’s a game major alumnus to talk about (yes I quickly realized it was about games.) However I felt that doing a review of games like my compatriots here would be rude, and besides I rarely play games in anything but a sporadic cycle so that was out.

I realized then it was time to reach back to my old journalism classes, and really hit the books – which are game manuals, and threads, and the dark corners of the internet. What I’ve found has shocked me to my core, and I’ve detailed out some of it below.

But this is only the tip of the iceberg – and while things like this delve into some of the hidden secrets into video gaming, it didn’t go far enough. So while I still have internet connection, and a lack of a jail sentence – I’ll be here every other week to tell you what I’ve found and realized. The truth is out there, and what the news media and blogs are telling you is only half the story – but I’ll get to the bottom of this web of lies and reveal the truth.

We start at the nexus, the big fish that is Gabe Newell’s masterpiece. Sure Valve may have started small, but the power of Steam makes them rivals for Cyberdyne or Weyland-Yutani these days, and that comparison will soon become much clearer.

See the internet has been awash with conspiracies, snippets of information that point to the mysterious Half Life 3. Valve and Gabe though have been either quiet or outright dismissive, saying that the game itself is not being worked on. Yet every minor teaser in the Valve collection of software seems to give minor clues to it’s coming existence.

It’s not hard to see why the public would be looking – no matter what Half Life 3 is like – at this point it would sell like hotcakes, and despite the Duke Nukem gap – Half Life 3 would be a commercial success if it’s not even a good game. So then why is mum the word, why not kick off the speculation machine – I mean the fans already have anyway? What is Gabe hiding!

That’s when it hit me, all these clues – all the references in Portal, even the comments that Half Life 3 isn’t in development all point to one thing. It’s already released – and more importantly – it’s on the moon.

We all know Half Life and Portal exist in the same universe, and there’s been rumblings that Half Life 3 would incorporate the Portal Gun. Then in the climax of Portal 2 we all realized something – that the Portal device can reach the moon. Now it’s all starting to make sense – see Half Life 3 would involve the ultimate method to take out the rest of the Combine – and how to do this? Easy we attack from the moon.

We’ve already cutoff reinforcements from their homeworld, but now we are still fighting a large scale war, but if we can get a man, no, the right man, into the right place and signal where to attack than we’ll have the advantage. How though would we do this – easy Mr. Freeman need only to set a beacon, and then teleport back to the moon, and thus the resistance will be able to fight back and save the world.

Well why would Half Life 3 be on the moon though? See Valve loves their Alternate Reality Games – or ARG’s and have done extensive ARGs for their titles, and this is the climax of that. I mean think how complex a game that we’d need to start exploring space again in order to find it – even if the game was not a success – the game would forever live in infamy.

How would it get to the moon though – the answer lies in the Yutu rover, and the Chang’e 3’s actual mission. Even the Wikipedia article on this is vague.

Unlike NASA and ESA, the China National Space Administration reveals little about its missions to the public, so detailed information about Chang’e 3 is limited.

And that 3, being launched in 2013 is no coincidence, but a subtle nod to the fans. So we better hope that the moon landings weren’t fake, because if we want to pick up the master copy of Half Life 3 in order to give it to the world – we need to go to the moon.

 

Next Time we discuss Ubisoft and Their Master Plan.

The Buffalo

The Buffalo is Nerdfit's longest active content contributor. Having helmed various podcasts (What's Nu in Animu, WritersCast), columns (I Hope Nippon Sempai Notices Me, Advanced Game Theory, Booze Reviews, Anime Season Previews, etc) - currently he writes a weekly article column of 'Buffalo's Shit to Think About'

Comments

Bryan
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While I love the theme and air of this article, I’m left with one seemingly unrelated question; do you guys have an editor? I don’t usually see too many spelling, grammatical, or punctuation errors in your articles, but this one is so full of them that it made me cringe several times reading it. Seriously, proof read this.

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