Eight Things That Will Annoy Everyone On The Internet
Don’t you just love all those obnoxious lists on the internet? WELL NOW YOU CAN GET THEM AT NERDFIT TOO!
1. Find a photo of four of your female friends. Comment on it, “You three look great!” and wait.
This is a fun little social experiment you can play with your female friends. I’ve seen it happen and the outcome is usually atrocious (read: Hilarious). This is the easiest way to see who has healthy confidence, too much confidence, and who’s ready to hulk out on you at the drop of a hat. Typically it will go down like this:
Shit-Starting Dick-Face: “You three look great!”
Girl1: Oh! Thank you!
Girl2: Thank you so much! This night was a blast <3 <3
(This is where it gets all thunder dome, because now girls 3 and 4 have to battle…no one wants to be the last kid picked on the kickball team.)
Girl3: Love this! Thank you!!! XOXO
Girl4: TYPICAL MALE. JUDGING GIRLS AND PASSIVE AGGRESSIVELY SAYING ONE OF US IS UGLY? DO YOU HAVE A FUCKING PROBLEM WITH THE WAY I LOOK CIS-HET SHIT LORD!?
Note the capslock. Note the use of words from tumblr. Girl 4 wasn’t hugged enough as a child, and you? Well…you look an awful lot like her dad right now. Prepare for massive psychological warfare.
2. Call literally anyone a racist, watch them stammer on about their black friends or the last movie they saw with Morgan Freeman/Samuel L. Jackson in it.
This is obviously aimed at whities. Well kids, lets face it, we’re gun shy as fuck once the ‘r’ word gets thrown around. I haven’t seen so much back pedaling since I watched a recording of the Tour De France on rewind (that’s a function on a VHS kids. What the fuck is a VHS? Well I’m glad you asked! You can find out about it HERE). Calling anyone a racist on the internet strikes fear into the hearts of facebookers and tweeters everywhere. I don’t actually know why. I simple, “No. I’m not.” will suffice. If I said you were a bear would you sit there citing examples and research about why you are not a bear? No. Because you’re not a fucking bear. However, if someone on the internet is called a racist, they will almost assuredly tag all their black friends in the post to prove something and then talk about how much you loved all the “Friday” movies. Also, Popeyes Chicken is amazing. That has nothing to do with racism, it’s just a fact.
3. Like all of someone’s boyfriend/girlfriend’s pictures, but say nothing, watch as they become silently infuriated.
There is nothing more aggravating in the world of social media than someone innocently liking EVERY photo of your significant other in one fell-99+ notification-swoop. “Why?”, you may ask yourself. Well little Timmy, the reason why? This person OBVIOUSLY wants to bang your significant other like a display drum at Guitar Center. They want to steal them from you, reader. They are clearly lusting for them in ways unknown. No comments? No PM’s? Why? Why not? Why is this little blue thumb on the internet sent from a stranger haunting me so!? Calm down. They probably just like your SO’s photo…unless s/he’s hotter than you. Then they’re DEFINITELY trying to snag your S.O. Let the passive aggressive poster memes fly!
4. Comment on all serious posts about breakups/deaths/depressions etc. with a photo of the “Hang In There” cat poster.
Your aunt died? I’m so sorry for your loss…. BOOM. There he is in all his tree-limb-blue-sky glory. “Hang In There”, it says. Such simple advice from such a young creature. How could this cuddly kitten possibly know just the words to quell your fears and sadness? He just does reader. This little furball has the wisdom of the ancients on his side. “Hang In There”. So simple, yet such sage advice. Thank you, young kitten. Godspeed, and hang in there.
5. Type in all caps and sign every comment you make.
SO YOU KNOW WHEN YOUR GRANDMOTHER DECIDES TO GET A FACEBOOK OR THAT COUSIN OF YOURS WHO NEVER FINISHED HIGHSCHOOL AND NOT BECAUSE THEY DROPPED OUT OR ANYTHING BUT JUST BECAUSE THEY SIMPLY COULDNT FUCKING FINISH AND THEY ALL TALK IN RUN ON SENTENCES ON SOME PICTURE THATS COMPLETELY UNRELATED TO ANYTHING THEY ARE SAYING OH YOU POSTED A PICTURE OF YOU AND A DOG AT A BBQ WELL LETS LEAVE A COMMENT SOMETHING LIKE NANNA WANTS YOU TO CALL HER SOON THE GOITER IS WORSE XOXO SHELLI
(What. The fuck. Just. Happened.)
6. Pick one friend, rally all other friends to leave an endless stream of photos of guinea pigs in costumes on their wall for 24 hours.
I have seen this one in action. It’s alive and well.
My poor friend Nate My friend Nate who totally deserves this,has a gorgeous and hilarious wife who will randomly decide around 6 AM that some sort of travesty needs to befall her beloved husbands facebook. This is when she starts tagging all the most relentless people she knows in one status requesting we leave things on his wall to brighten his day! (See? Isn’t she nice?) This is where 6 or 7 of us will start this hideous trend by leaving the requested items on his facebook, the rest of what seems like THE WORLD catches on and the circus music ques up as his phone explodes with notifications, his email inbox floods with emails of notifications, and his computer has written him a suicide note because it can’t handle being in the middle anymore. The manner of things left on his wall ranges from bananas with faces, to ponies in hats, to guinea pigs in costumes. In short, do this always, because it’s amazing, obnoxious, and pretty much the most fun thing in the world as long as you aren’t the target.
7. Have an opinion on anything.
THIS IS TREASON IN THE ROYAL COURT OF THE INTERNET. STOP HAVING OPINIONS EVERYONE.
DID YOU KNOW?
Did you know that opinions are the #1 cause of friction on the internet? Sometimes this can even lead to
DEATH! HEART FAILURE! ANEURISMS! HEADACHES!
Did you know that when someone starts an intellectual discussion on social media and they ask for opinions, they REALLY only mean opinions that are the SAME as theirs!
Did you know that offering an insightful opinion differing from that of an original poster on social media can cause EARTHQUAKES IN UGANDA, KILLING MILLIONS?
Did you know being white/straight/happy on the internet is punishable by
Okay, okay, maybe I’m being a little brutal here with the “Did you know” Reading Rainbow facts, but hey, they just made a million dollars, I’m just helping. But seriously, I have seen MORE drama and anger, angst, and threats spring out of what STARTED off as an intelligent discussion between two or three differing opinions until someone comes in swinging their +492878572 Sword of Social Justice. It’s ridiculous. These people are like retarded internet paladins. They KICK the door in on their mighty steed, who’s only got three legs but DAMN IT he’s JUST AS GOOD AS THE OTHER HORSES STOP LOOKING AT HIM LIKE THAT, in their armor made completely out of all recycled materials including plastic from Starbucks coffee lids and aluminum from cans of PBR they drank while skimming the internet for someone to harass and argue with. Their mighty sword is made of all organically processed materials and will snap at the slightest touch of combat, but hey, they can brag about how organic it is, and that conversation alone may lead you to take your OWN life on the battle field. These people are called “Contrarians” or in layman’s terms “Pieces of Argumentative Shit”. They will look for you and your ‘opinion’ and tell you how it’s wrong. Which is odd, as opinions are just that. Opinions. Not solid facts. So unless someone is stating something which is JUST not true (Read: I saw the movie Blackfish so now I have a marine biology degree and can tell you all about whales and how they are being forced out of their naural habitat of the rain forest by Sea World poachers for their ivory), maybe you should keep your ‘opinion’ to yourself. Play nice in the internet sandbox, and yes, I realize that’s an extremely tall order.
AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST….
8. Telling the internet how tough you are and how hard you’re gonna kick their ass.
Stop. Just…..Stop. No one cares about how many hours of Tae Kwon Do you’ve done. You can’t, and more importantly, WON’T kick my ass. Seriously, what are you doing to do? Do you really expect me to believe you’re going to take the 30 seconds to take your grubby paws out of that cheeto bag I KNOW you’re mowing down on like a god damn feed bag, to then take the time to get up, find me, DRIVE TO ME, and THEN kick my ass? I seriously, SERIOUSLY doubt that. Listen, Chuck Norris, I know. I know, I know. You’re trained in martial arts, you have a ponytail, a girlfriend, and you drive a motor bike. But I’m willing to bet the translation there is: Watched a few Jackie Chan movies, you can’t afford a hair cut, she’s inflatable, and it’s a ten speed. Stop threatening people on the internet. No one actually wants to fight you. I’m assuming if you’re guilty of this, people have probably done 1-6 of this article to you, and I know, that’s frustrating as all hell. So my suggestion is to turn on WOW, take your frustration out in some totally one sided unfair advantage PVP action, call a 12 year old a newbie f*ggot, chug a Mikes Hard and really get back to feeling like a grown-ass man. Sweet three wolf moon t-shirt by the way.
This has been a list of nonsense (that probably makes more sense than I would care to think about…) by Mika.
Direct all hate-mail to Erik@nerdfit.com