GLENN’S RAGE CORNER: YOINKED EDITION

Hey kiddies, you’re now reading the mind of Ze Botte, woooooo! Today, I’m temporarily taking over Glenn’s corner. “Why can’t you make your own corner?” I hear you asking, Glenn. Well quite simply, someone had the bright idea of building this place in the shape of a teardrop. Of course it looks cool, but they could at least divide it into smaller sections rather than making it one big misshapen hangar. I mean really, whenever someone puts a donk on one end, you can hear it loud and clearly on the other. Plus, the roof of this place low enough to make dividing the building into smaller, and sound insulated, subsections a piece of cake.

But enough of me criticizing the “genius” and “talent” of the architect, I’ve taken over this nicely furnished and windowed corner because I got something to say. You see kids, while ol’ Ze Botte here, boop beep beep, was waiting for all of you to go to sleep, I was doing some reading on the good ol’ shoryuken forums. Now it was a slow day, so I decided, against my best judgment in retrospect, to read this thread called “Dispelling misconceptions of the smash community.” Classic case of mistitling, ‘cause the thread should’ve been called: “Everything you think the smash players are, is true.” I’ve only read about 5 pages of it plus two or three odd paragraphs from smashboards.com that was linked.

All I can say is wow. If anyone wants to make a case that their game is truly competitive and “blows your mind” awesome, do the opposite of what these guys were doing. Street Fighter 2 was not the first fighting game. It was the first fighting game where anyone with a crazy amount of skill can consistently and decidedly kick the collective asses of his/her lesser opponents. The Super Smash Brothers series does have the basic mechanics of any fighting game, which are (for those of you who don’t know): block-stun, cool-down, zoning, footsies, mix-ups, and mind-games.

But unlike any other fighting game, the Super Smash Brothers Series was first and foremost, a party game. You and your friends were supposed to play the game on a random stage with items with any character, and kick each other’s asses. It was not a good match unless someone yelled “WHAT THE F#@%!?” This is most evident in the most recent incarnation: Super Smash Brothers Brawl.

You had more stages, more characters, more items, and more shenanigans. There is now literally 3,961.125 ways to make your opponent explode in that game, compared to the 20 ways in Super Smash Brothers Melee.

Hell, there are major talks about banning Meta Knight. Do you know what the Guilty Gear players did when they’ve noticed Eddie was stupidly powerful? Learn to get around it. But the poor Smash Brothers BAAAAWWW players refused to get around Meta Knight’s antics and argue over banning a character in a party game.

By the way, here’s a video. The first 20 seconds of the match is enough to give you an idea what they’re whining about

However, a bunch of kids came along and decided to take this game of Beirut and turn it into table tennis. They will bastardize everything the game stood for, and make it as clinical as chess. In the end, everyone who tries is going to look like a bunch of geeks.

While we are on the subject of doing it wrong, do you kids know what also chaffs my awesomeanium hide? DJ’s who play hardcore techno (or was it house?) only on LP’s. I mean come on, what sort of “fidelity” and “dynamic range” are they looking for in a 200 BPM piece of ear-fornication? I mean, it’s not like those guys are playing music by Dave Brubeck and Gioachino Rossini.

I mean really, DJ’ing started in the early 1900s when record players and LP’s were cheap enough for bar owners to buy one and play every night where the bands decided to drink rather than play, or play in the bar across the street. There was no “post processing” or synths back then, just pure and simple strings, woodwinds, processions, and the sweet sweet melody of the human voice.

Now a days, you have CDs, mp3 players, and computer programs (or, how the iPod crowd likes to call them, iCD, iPod, and iComputer iPrograms) that let you forget about the pain of cleaning, transporting and replacing your polymer platters and just play your dammed music. However, I will never condone playing hardcore techno (someone help me out here, is it house or techno?) at any time.

Now before I go onto how everyone sticks a lowercase “i” in front of every electronic audio device and accessory, I should get out of here.

But before I do, I need to do a little bit of cleaning. That redwood I’ve eaten last night is not agreeing with me.

This was Ze Botte,

Everybody Gay